I don't know if I can do this...

I'm having a sudden panic about quitting my job. What's done is done....I can't "un-quit" this job and frankly, I don't want to (it was time for a career change anyway). But I'm freaking out about being able to do "this". The stay-at-home Mom thing. It's just not a natural fit for me. But I feel so incredibly guilty about putting Emmett in daycare. I feel like the amount of hours he has to be there for me to work full-time is unacceptable (I don't mind the actual daycare concept too much...just the hours) But then I feel guilty about dumping my education down the tubes and just walking away from any type of a career.

Eric reminds me I can't have it all. But I want it all. Why is it too much to ask that I can find a challenging and professional career working less than 40 hours a week? Yes, part-time would be ideal. No, I don't want to work retail or fast-food. My current prospect is to transition to the medical field. But then I feel kinda silly to go to school for 5 more years only to hope to work part-time hours.

The internet is sometimes less than helpful. I googled "ivy league stay at home mom" hoping to find some brillant plan...some woman who has gone before me that has it all figured out with the mom/career conflict. Instead, I found this:http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/20/national/20women.html
An article about how some women in Ivy League schools plan all along to be stay at home Moms. I'm sorry, but that was NOT the plan for me. I will venture to say I could have gone somewhere else and saved a lot of $$ if I did not plan to partake in the workforce.

Stay at Home Moms, don't hate me quite yet.....I WANT to be a stay-at-home mom. And by that, I WANT it to be a great fit for me and I WANT to be really happy and fulfilled doing it. If I could wave a magic wand, I wish I could do it. Being a Stay At Home is a tough, tough job. And it's a very different job from the competitive, career oriented world. And, unfortunately for me, I just have this feeling (OK, I'm lying...I am 99% sure) that I will not enjoy being a Stay at Home Mom. But I love my son. And I don't like our daycare situation. And so I will tackle the Stay at Home Mom job much like other things in my life. I will jump in with two feet and throw myself wildly into occupation.

Bad Luck

Emmett has a "Bad Luck" shirt, I'm sure of it. I don't believe in luck myself so I have tried many times to test my theory of his Bad Luck shirt out. The shirt is plain and unsuspecting...a long sleeve onsie from Old Navy. It's navy blue and I love when Emmett wears it because it shows off his eyes and hair. And yet...he never seems to wear it for very long. The poor shirt has weathered too many diaper blowouts to count and numerous projectile vomiting sessions. I have never washed a shirt as often as that one (espeically considering, we rarely get out of the house with it.)

Consider the other day. Emmett had already had an "emergency" bath earlier in the morning (yes, you know what I mean.) So I thought we were safe. What a perfect day for him to wear his cute little navy blue shirt from Old Navy. I dressed him up and cooed sufficiently over him. Then I took him to daycare. And then I had to immediately change him when we got to daycare. The damn shirt wins again.

Emmett update

16 lbs of lovin' over here! Emmett is exactly 4 months and getting chunkier by the day. He is rolling over all the time now and insists on sleeping with face planted on the mattress (yes, pretty much sleeping ON his nose.) The Exersaucer is still his favorite toy. He has started to actually make it bounce up and down and can also walk all around the toy bar (the seat swivels.)

Unfortunately, he still isn't really sleeping through the night for me. However, when I work night shifts and Dad takes care of him, he always sleeps through the night. Clearly, babies are too smart for their own good. He is still nursing like a champ and I still hate pumping at work.

We are 35 days out from my very last shift with the military. I still have no clue as to what I'm going to do next. I fluctuate wildly between entertaining being a stay-at-home mom and then being convinced I may lose my mind doing it. I have a few job prospects on the table. But, I change my mind everyday. Ideally, I think I would stay home with Emmett until he is one (and also weaned). But, one of the jobs wants to hire in January and will not have openings in the summer. I like working but hate putting my kid in daycare....there are no easy solutions to this puzzle.

One sick baby

Yesterday, we faced a decision point that many working parents have to face. The kid is sick, daycare is sending him home, but both of us have to work...what do you do? I hate that in these situations, the work force seems especially unfriendly to working parents. I understand the daycare's position...who wants a sick kid infecting the rest of them? But, if the parent HAS to work, where else is the kid really supposed to go (assuming it's not severe enough to call emergency contacts). So Eric and I had to compare our jobs on the phone...whose job is more important today? Whose boss is less likely to be pissed off? I literally couldn't leave my job. I had to be in position and we didn't have any extra people to call in that day. Eric was relieving a guy who had been working all night. We eventually decided to send Eric to pick up Emmett...the guy who was working all night in Eric's shop just had to stay and work all day (Terrible!). I feel frustrated because, specifically talking about the military, I think they assume one spouse stays at home. Everyone likes to point out to me "don't worry, you are getting out of the service soon". And while I understand that may "fix" the Buss family problem, it doesn't change the larger issue.