A year hiatus

In my moment of empowerment over shedding baby weight, I come crawling back to this blog.  It was more out of curiosity to remember how post partum felt after Emmett, but once here, I had to post!  I'm not sure exactly where the last year went.  If you see it, feel free to send it back to me.

I always learned you should put your main points out there right away.  So here is this main point:

No matter how active or inactive you are after having a baby, your body will pretty much stick to its own schedule to get back into shape.  Fascinating....seriously fascinating.

Post partum Emmett: Finally was able to really workout (besides walking) at about 6 months.
Post partum Ewan (Did I mention there's another kid???!!!!!): Back to running 2 weeks after delivery

Weight at 8 weeks post partum with Emmett and Ewan.....exactly the same.

Now, i'm not really being fair here.  Yes, I still have 20 lbs to lose somehow so I don't have to buy a new wardrobe, but I couldn't be happier with how my body feels post baby #2.  Night and day from Emmett's birth.  I totally get why people decide to have more children after experiencing Ewan's birth!!!

Let's recap the year and Ewan's birth:

Pregnant in the fall of 2011.  Pregnancy flew by.  Instead of focusing on running (as I had with Emmett), with this pregnancy I focused on weight lifting and circuit training and ran no more than 3 times a week.  I was doing suicides and BOSU ball jumps and pullups (modified) at 35 weeks pregnant.  My take as a personal trainer is that weigh lifting was the way to go.  Forget running.  My balance was so much better, my ability to move and run and lift things in daily life was better, my attitude was better.  When i did run, I didn't do "long runs", but instead did interval training.

That said, my second pregnancy wasn't quite as easy as #1.  Ewan found a wonderful position where he would compress a nerve down the front of my leg.  I think I also had some pubic symphysis dysfunction.  My workouts were hit or miss.  Some days I could lift and do intervals on the treadmill, other days I had trouble walking down the stairs or from my car to work.  The pain was excruciating (when Ewan hit a nerve) but would only last for a second.  But it would make me miss my step sometimes which was somewhat funny.

My water broke at 38 weeks and 2 days at home one afternoon while watching "Hutterite Colony" on National Geographic.  I didn't accept it was my water as I had no signs of labor.  About 4 hours later (after dinner of course), Eric and I head to the hospital because I am still "peeing" myself.  Doctor is not impressed.  Mini contractions (if any), baby is still a +3, not really dilated.  Together, the team makes a game plan....admit me, administer pitocin gradually throughout the night, I will labor all night and sometime the next morning work on delivering kid.

This is was really happens:
9:00pm - arrive at hospital

9-10:30pm - triage, have 11,000 people check me because they don't think my water can be broken either.  Have many residents "examine" said fluid under a microscrope.  By this point, there is no doubt in my mind or any nurses' mind that it's definitely my water that is everywhere....but I guess when you are a resident, you have to be sure.  We get admitted (same hospital room as Emmett!!!).  I send Eric home with a long list of "wants" including snacks and a different vehicle.  I play on Facebook and text and generally roll my eyes at the thought of what's sure to be another long long labor  

10:30pm - nurse comes to to start IV of pitocin. I remark "let's get this party started!"

10:45pm - The Party started.  I am doubled over clutching the bed.  Contractions are every 30 seconds (thanks, pitocin).  I'm yelling.  I top my highest known pain level.  Eric walks in and nearly walks back out (Kidding!).

11:15pm - I am yelling for an epidural.  At this point, I am still convinced I will labor all night (as we had planned!) and I am wondering what is wrong with my body because it didn't hurt this bad for the first part of labor with Emmett.

(I lose time at this point)
- I try to prevent the doctor from checking me because I am certain I am not dilated.
- I deny that I feel like pushing because I can't be that far along and where is the epidural???
- Prevent doctor again from checking me
- anesthesiologist arrives and I do a crappy job of sitting still because I am trying not to puke (hmmmm....puke?  Transition anyone?)  So epidural doesn't take at all.  Anesthesiologist kinda freaks out because I'm yelling so much and dumps local numbing agent in me which only makes 1 leg go numb.
- doctor checks me and I'm an 8 and in transition.  Oops on giving the pain meds.
- Contractions are now continuous.  Someone gets the bright idea to turn off the pitocin.

- Doctor:  Do you feel like pushing?  Me: I don't know...??? (Full on trying to fake not pushing because I think maybe the epidural will finally take)
- Doctor: Are you SURE you don't feel like pushing??  Me:  FINE

2 pushes
Ewan born at 1231am  (2 hours from start of pitocin IV if you couldn't do the math)


Easiest birth ever.  Easiest recovery ever.  Easiest baby ever.  I love him.

I only waited 2 weeks to start running again because I thought lightning bolts would shoot from the sky and knock me down if I didn't.

Anyway, I'm back and busier than ever.  I'm applying to a physical therapy program this year.  I don't think my chances are great but I'm going to try.  And I am rededicating myself to chronicling the journey back to pre pregnancy weight and getting back in shape.  We are going to Disney in November and I would love to rock a decent bikini body by then and possibly fit into some pants by the time winter rolls around.

My current plan it to try Insanity.  I have a running stroller but my old hip injury is acting up.  I miss the gym but Ewan isn't old enough to go to childcare there.  Here's to losing 20 lbs!  Cheers!

So much to say and so little time

I don't even know where to begin...

Emmett celebrated his first birthday on 8 July. We had a big celebration on the 9th with family and friends. Our theme was "Going Green". All the food was locally grown/raised (local meat and produce) and/or organic. We use real plates, cups, utensils and cloth napkins. Eric's mom made the birthday cupcakes from scratch. We asked people not to bring cards and instead did 1 giant homemade one.

Some of our guests really go into the theme with their gifts to Emmett. One little girl (3 years old) picked out some of her old toys for Emmett. Another couple gave us a baby Columbia sweatshirt that their daughter had worn and I had gushed about. One of my sisters made a donation to a wildlife foundation in Emmett's name. Emmett also got a firetruck made out of recycled milk jugs (online company called Green toys I believe) and a savings bond.

Emmett's first birthday represented a return to normalcy (or new normalcy) for both Eric and I. I think we are finally hitting our stride with this whole parenting thing. We sort of have our individual roles figured out and the clock is running smoothly.

On the fitness side of the house, the first year after Emmett's birth felt like forever while I was living it, but now, looking back, it seems manageable. There were days when I felt like I would never feel like myself again or never run again. Luckily, I was able to curb some of those feelings by trying to incorporate some cross training in.

Aside from my collegiate running days, I can confidently say that I'm in the best shape of my life. (And certainly in better all around shape than my running days). For me, it was very frustrating to go back to ground zero after Emmett's delivery and piece my body back together again, but it probably taught me patience and compassion for others in similar positions. Sure, there are some days when I say "why me?", why did I have such a rough road to recovery after delivery. Why was I the one who was gifted with so many post delivery issues/injuries? But most days, I'm happy to be moving and happy to be on my feet. Muscle wise, I'm definitely a pre pregnancy strength if not higher. My endurance is back up....leg speed is a little slow, but I don't do a ton of speed workouts anymore. My abs are still pretty shot, but definitely getting better.

I have started weaning Emmett and it's going really well. The first nursing session I dropped was the one that happened right after my morning workout...and that freedom has been amazing. I continually struggled to keep my milk supply up post workouts, so dropping that session completely eased that pressure. I'm still working to get off those last 5 lbs of baby weight, so starting weaning has also given me the freedom to watch what I eat a little more (before, I was so fearful to cut or change anything or risk having an angry/hungry baby latched on to me all day.) I also no longer pump/nurse in the evenings. Eric puts Emmett to bed when I work and we stopped giving him a bottle at night....which means that I could give up pumping entirely!!! Whoop, whoop.

As for those last 5 lbs of baby weight....well, this might be as good as it gets. And I'm completely OK with that as well! I put up a good fight, but my body is just different. I'm pretty much back into all pre pregnancy clothes which was more important than the number on the scale to me anyway (mostly because I didn't want to replace my whole wardrobe.)

The Swagger is Back

My running swagger is coming back. I had to drop the hammer on some "designer runners" today. On my trip around the lake (5 mile run), I blew past not 1 but 2 legitimate runners WITH the baby stroller (the bright yellow one which makes me all the more obnoxious). They were both dudes decked out in what my friend calls their "cutest running outfits" complete with racing sunglasses. One of them was rocking the Vibram 5 finger shoes. So, he definitely deserved it.

My only regret is that I didn't have some smart ass saying on the back of my shirt. In high school, my personal favorite t-shirt read "I'll see you when you get there". That one really used to tick the Army guys off.

My running stroller is getting a lot of action this week because Emmett is in quarantine. The little kid has Hand, Foot and Mouth disease which he picked up from some little snot fest at the gym daycare. I kindly refer to Emmett as my little, dirty slum child.

In other workout news, I have been lifting hard core. I did a pre pregnancy lifting routine the other day using at least the same weights or heavier than I did before pregnancy. I forgot how much I love weight lifting. I used to shy away from it in college because I tended to "bulk up" with extra muscle (more than you need for distance running).

(My workouts now mostly look like this: I run 2 miles to the gym with E in the stroller, then I go to an aerobics/toning class or lift on my own, then I run 2 miles home. Sometimes I do a few exercises at night with my students.)

I have my eye on running my first marathon in December. I'm not sure how Emmett will appreciate uber long runs in the stroller. So far, the longest he has done is 1 hour. But maybe I can bribe him with snacks.

Also, I finally fit into the last of my pre-pregnancy jeans (milestone 10.5 months). Yeah, reference previous post....nothing looks the same, but I met my goal....I guess.

I'm planning on starting the weaning process for Emmett when he turns 1 year old. It will be interesting to see what happens with weight and such then. My midwife also thought that some of my "delivery injuries" will heal as my estrogen increases after weaning.

Just because you can wear your pre-pregnancy jeans, doesn't mean you should

I apologize this blog has been woefully neglected. It's not that I don't have things to say....maybe I'm just disheartened to share them.

Today, Emmett is 9 months old! When you are in the middle of the newborn stage, it seems like forever, but really the 9 months has gone by quick.

Although Emmett is super cool, I wrote this blog originally to try and detail running while pregnant and then getting the body back after baby. To sum it up, here's what I learned....the phrase "9 months on, 9 months off" is true. I tried my best to make myself into a case study to refute this claim, but alas I failed. In fact, my phrase might end up being more along the lines of "9 months on, never off" but I'm still going to try.

Officially, I'm about 3 lbs up from pre-pregnancy weight and I can wear 50% of my old jeans and 25% of my old shirts. But here's the reality, just because I can zip those zippers does not mean I should be waltzing down main street in those jeans. I'm not going to lie....Stacey London ("What Not to Wear") would not approve. The "Muffin Top" look is NOT in this year. The "I'm painted to your butt" look is for night time wear only. And, again, let me be honest, I can't blame the last 3 lbs I need to lose. My body is just a different shape these days.

Yes, I'm going shopping today. I tried to hold out. I squeezed in extra aerobics classes, running and weight lifting all in hopes that when Emmett turned 9 months I would suddenly look like my pre baby self. It was not to be. Don't worry, I'm not turning to Mom jeans and sweatpants yet, but my days shopping at the Buckle and buying expensive bedazzled butt pocket jeans are over.

On the running front, yes, I'm running and able to run a lot more these days. The only reminder that I had a baby (well, besides the fact that I now push a giant neon yellow stroller when I run) is that after I do a hard workout or race, I feel really achy "down there". And often I have to take a day off after a hard day because it's too uncomfortable to do anything with impact. If that symptom will be there forever, I can live with that.

What do my workouts look like now? I joined a gym in January WITH daycare (best decision ever). I made myself go to aerobics class every single day at 9:15am. That was the second best decision I made. I didn't realize how much all around strength (especially in my back, abs and arms) I had lost until then. I didn't always like the aerobics classes, but I just did them. They brought me back to the basics on strength, flexibility and balance. I believe that simply running wouldn't have done that for me.

So now, I usually try and run a few miles before class and then do the classes about 4 times a week. On one day a week, I'm doing intervals (400m - 800m...NOT fast). On Saturdays, I try to run a little bit longer. I just completed a 12K trail race last weekend and am looking to do a half marathon in May.

I will finish my Personal Trainer certification next month and also plan to go ahead and get my Group Exercise certification. I would love to specialize in pre and post natal fitness.

Another post pregnancy PR

I ran 37:41 today for my 5 mile race (Brooks No Frills Race Series). I'm pretty proud because I feel like the legs are finally getting the message to break out of the pregnancy pace rut.

I also dropped the hammer on some girl who tried to pass me in the last 1/2 mile. I was like "hell, no....I have been literally working my butt off to get back in shape and you will not pass me". It was a little of the old swagger coming back (even though I was mid-pack at best in this race).

Total for today was 7 miles (5 mile race + 2 miles w/u and c/d).

Superficial milestones

Pre-pregnancy "fat" jeans - I OWNED you tonight. What, What !!!!

All joking aside, this is a really big milestone for me. It's only taken me 7 months! I really thought the baby weight would disappear a little easier. Pretty much all that running I did during pregnancy didn't help me one dang bit losing the weight post baby. My new goal is to get into ALL my old pre-pregnancy jeans in another 2 months.

I had to chuckle, I was lecturing the other night on "Training the Pregnant Client" (ie Personal Fitness Training). I was reviewing with my students all the benefits of exercise for pregnant women and thinking about how a lot of them did NOT work out for me. Easier and shorter labor (NOPE), quicker recovery/healing from labor (HELL NO), faster return to regular activities (NOT), faster/easier weight loss (I WISH).....I know, I know, everyone always says to me "think about how bad it would have been if you didn't work out". To that, I sarcastically say thanks.

I'm also pretty happy to report that my pain is continuing to decrease every month and I don't have any "limitations" on exercises anymore. I can run up to 6 miles at a time now, although I am still mostly keeping the running to every other day.

(I'm about 5-6 lbs above pre-pregnancy weight and 9 lbs above my goal weight.)

Post baby PR

I've decided that having a baby resets all my running PRs. Kinda like being a born again virgin, I'm a born again runner. I ran 40:29 for 5 miles on Saturday. So, by my book, that's about a 4 min PR. I have to do it this way, otherwise I would cry to think about comparing this time to my pre-baby times.

My goal is to get under 40 mins for 5 miles in 2 weeks. Perhaps leaving the shots out before doing the run will help. But then, I would feel really cold (it was 14 degrees this past Saturday.)

I apologize I have not been keeping up with workout postings. Eric accidently erased my workout log during a computer "fix". In summary, I ran 3 times this past week and did aerobics classes in between. This week, I hope to increase running to 4 times a week and do the aerobics in between.

This may be as good as it gets

Emmett is 6 months old today! I'll say it again....6 months old! How did 1/2 a year just flash by in a instant? Emmett is right on schedule with all his milestones. He's a big boy with big feet and a big smile. I, on the other hand, failed to meet any of my post-pregnancy milestones in the first 6 months. I think my original plan was to be running again by 6 weeks post partum and down to pre pregnancy weight by 4 months. I'd like to think I was not living in a fantasy world and that, had delivery gone a little smoother I would be there (but maybe I'm kidding myself). My new goals include running a 1/2 marathon in April and getting down to my pre-pregnancy weight by Emmett's 10 month milestone (following the 10 months on, 10 months off weight mantra).

I find that I have something very strange....cesarean envy. I spent my entire pregnancy reading and working out in hopes to avoid the cesarean delivery. And now 6 months after my regular delivery, I really wish I had a doctor slice open my layers of muscles and organs to deliver Emmett. Maybe I'm crazy....or maybe I think that I might have recovered from a cesarean faster than my own delivery. I know, I know, you will say that it was better for Emmett to come down the "normal" way. But I'm not sure he appreciated being stuck for so long either. Emmett has 1 floppy ear, an ear that sticks out a bit farther than the other one. That ear is Emmett's battle scar from his delivery. He came down ear first and that little ear was just a flat flop of skin when he was born. It actually took a bit to start looking like an ear. If that ear could talk, it might have wished for a c-section as well.

Today, I ran 5 miles...outside....no stopping....no walking. I was so proud of myself for my 44:40 time (just under 9 mins a mile). It's been a long time since I ran that fast or that far. I don't feel 100% back to normal but I did it anyway. As I was running, though, I had a thought. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe, after baby, this is what I have to work with. Honestly, I still have some lingering pain. Before baby, I never thought about running...it just happened. Now, the pain is just enough so that I remember that I had a baby about every other step. I feel how jarring running is on the body and the impact of my footstep resonates through my bones. But, all in all, it's not bad. Today, the snow was falling, the road was quiet and somewhere in there, I realized I was enjoying myself. So, if this IS as good as it gets, I can live with that.

This was my first week as a stay at home mom and I was also proud I made it to the gym every day (and sometimes twice a day). I love my gym with daycare.

Workouts:
3 Jan: 30 min run (.5 mile warmup, 200 meters at 6:53/mile, 200 meters at 10:00/mile for 2 miles, cooldown .5 mile at 6.5mph)
- all around weights, some balance exercises

4 jan: 5 miles on treadmill (pace btw 6.0mph and 6.5mph)

5 Jan: 30 mins elliptical “hill” program, level 8, arms, back and abs
Did ab workout with one of my students at night

6 Jan: Butts and Guts class at Aspen….ouch!
Ran 1 mile after at 6.0 – 6.5
Evening: circuit workout with students + ran another mile

7 Jan: “Recovery day” did Morning mix class

8 Jan: 5 miles (no Frills racing series) in 44:40. Very proud! Ran negative splits.

Itching to start working out again

The end is in sight for me! The end of my varying hours full-time job is in sight.

I ran 3 miles the other day (first time working out in months!) and felt pretty good. It was the first time since pregnancy/delivering that I didn't feel like my body wasn't my own. I have no clue what pace I was running at but at least I was running. I do know that I absolutely cannot run faster than what I was running at. My body only has 1 speed right now.

My "new gym" opens the day after Christmas and comes complete with a super-duper daycare! I have no excuses now. Lately, Emmett has hollered his little head off whenever I try to do P90x. And, it's been a little too cold to take him outside running. (or maybe I'm just overprotective).

I'm really fired up to get back in the groove. Not only will I be able to work out during the day, but I can also work out at night at my job (teaching people how to be personal trainers.) Pretty much, I can just think about fitness all day long, haha. I'm also thinking the more time Emmett and I can stay out of the house, the less dirty it will be!

I am tentatively planning a half marathon in April!

I don't know if I can do this...

I'm having a sudden panic about quitting my job. What's done is done....I can't "un-quit" this job and frankly, I don't want to (it was time for a career change anyway). But I'm freaking out about being able to do "this". The stay-at-home Mom thing. It's just not a natural fit for me. But I feel so incredibly guilty about putting Emmett in daycare. I feel like the amount of hours he has to be there for me to work full-time is unacceptable (I don't mind the actual daycare concept too much...just the hours) But then I feel guilty about dumping my education down the tubes and just walking away from any type of a career.

Eric reminds me I can't have it all. But I want it all. Why is it too much to ask that I can find a challenging and professional career working less than 40 hours a week? Yes, part-time would be ideal. No, I don't want to work retail or fast-food. My current prospect is to transition to the medical field. But then I feel kinda silly to go to school for 5 more years only to hope to work part-time hours.

The internet is sometimes less than helpful. I googled "ivy league stay at home mom" hoping to find some brillant plan...some woman who has gone before me that has it all figured out with the mom/career conflict. Instead, I found this:http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/20/national/20women.html
An article about how some women in Ivy League schools plan all along to be stay at home Moms. I'm sorry, but that was NOT the plan for me. I will venture to say I could have gone somewhere else and saved a lot of $$ if I did not plan to partake in the workforce.

Stay at Home Moms, don't hate me quite yet.....I WANT to be a stay-at-home mom. And by that, I WANT it to be a great fit for me and I WANT to be really happy and fulfilled doing it. If I could wave a magic wand, I wish I could do it. Being a Stay At Home is a tough, tough job. And it's a very different job from the competitive, career oriented world. And, unfortunately for me, I just have this feeling (OK, I'm lying...I am 99% sure) that I will not enjoy being a Stay at Home Mom. But I love my son. And I don't like our daycare situation. And so I will tackle the Stay at Home Mom job much like other things in my life. I will jump in with two feet and throw myself wildly into occupation.

Bad Luck

Emmett has a "Bad Luck" shirt, I'm sure of it. I don't believe in luck myself so I have tried many times to test my theory of his Bad Luck shirt out. The shirt is plain and unsuspecting...a long sleeve onsie from Old Navy. It's navy blue and I love when Emmett wears it because it shows off his eyes and hair. And yet...he never seems to wear it for very long. The poor shirt has weathered too many diaper blowouts to count and numerous projectile vomiting sessions. I have never washed a shirt as often as that one (espeically considering, we rarely get out of the house with it.)

Consider the other day. Emmett had already had an "emergency" bath earlier in the morning (yes, you know what I mean.) So I thought we were safe. What a perfect day for him to wear his cute little navy blue shirt from Old Navy. I dressed him up and cooed sufficiently over him. Then I took him to daycare. And then I had to immediately change him when we got to daycare. The damn shirt wins again.

Emmett update

16 lbs of lovin' over here! Emmett is exactly 4 months and getting chunkier by the day. He is rolling over all the time now and insists on sleeping with face planted on the mattress (yes, pretty much sleeping ON his nose.) The Exersaucer is still his favorite toy. He has started to actually make it bounce up and down and can also walk all around the toy bar (the seat swivels.)

Unfortunately, he still isn't really sleeping through the night for me. However, when I work night shifts and Dad takes care of him, he always sleeps through the night. Clearly, babies are too smart for their own good. He is still nursing like a champ and I still hate pumping at work.

We are 35 days out from my very last shift with the military. I still have no clue as to what I'm going to do next. I fluctuate wildly between entertaining being a stay-at-home mom and then being convinced I may lose my mind doing it. I have a few job prospects on the table. But, I change my mind everyday. Ideally, I think I would stay home with Emmett until he is one (and also weaned). But, one of the jobs wants to hire in January and will not have openings in the summer. I like working but hate putting my kid in daycare....there are no easy solutions to this puzzle.

One sick baby

Yesterday, we faced a decision point that many working parents have to face. The kid is sick, daycare is sending him home, but both of us have to work...what do you do? I hate that in these situations, the work force seems especially unfriendly to working parents. I understand the daycare's position...who wants a sick kid infecting the rest of them? But, if the parent HAS to work, where else is the kid really supposed to go (assuming it's not severe enough to call emergency contacts). So Eric and I had to compare our jobs on the phone...whose job is more important today? Whose boss is less likely to be pissed off? I literally couldn't leave my job. I had to be in position and we didn't have any extra people to call in that day. Eric was relieving a guy who had been working all night. We eventually decided to send Eric to pick up Emmett...the guy who was working all night in Eric's shop just had to stay and work all day (Terrible!). I feel frustrated because, specifically talking about the military, I think they assume one spouse stays at home. Everyone likes to point out to me "don't worry, you are getting out of the service soon". And while I understand that may "fix" the Buss family problem, it doesn't change the larger issue.

A time of reflection...

For those of you who may have missed it, October 15 was Pregnancy and Infant Loss memorial day. In this midst of this year's Halloween festivities, I take the time to reflect where I've been and where I am now. As I dressed my son in a cuddly fleece bear outfit, I can't help but feel awed at how far we have come and how, gradually, I have reconstructed one of my worst months into a month that can simply exist like all of the other 11 months.


Two years ago, on Halloween, I was laying on the couch in our living room, recovering from a D&C after our second miscarriage. Though all miscarriages are tough, this one was especially hard for Eric and I because we had two "good" ultrasounds on this pregnancy before the miscarriage. Somehow, the pregnancy is a little more real when you see that heartbeat flickering away....and hurts so much worse when you lose it. I also had a terrible experience with the D&C and I struggled to recover physically. I remember Eric desperately trying to cheer me up. When I told him it would be OK to turn our porch light on and pass out candy, Eric rushed to Walmart and came back with at least $100 worth of candy! Somehow, he hoped that he could make things better by wildy embracing the holiday. In between the approximately 5 trick or treaters we got that year (our house was in a new neighborhood and was the only house on the street), Eric tried everything to make me smile. At one point, I told him to leave me alone and "go snort a pixie stick". I couldn't help but laugh when he ended up choking and tearing up with blue powder snotting out of his nose....


Despite the pixie stick snort, I hated October and despised Halloween. What was formerly a drunken costume-fest to me, now became associated with a much darker meaning. For some reason, even 2 years later, I look at that particular October/Halloween as a significant turning point in my life, both personally and professionally. There was the "Before October" and the "After October" and the two sides of the coin couldn't be more different. That October marked the beginning of a fairly long period of dark, dark grief. Almost 2 years later, those months are largely lost to me.


In the midst of our grief over our second loss, I think Eric and I realized how badly we did want a child. It was a painful reality to have to at least consider the alternate possibility, that we wouldn't succesfully carry a child to term. For quite a while after that second loss, I was also unsure of my ability to even chance another pregnancy (and therefore chance another loss). I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to piece myself back to together again.


A year ago, just before Halloween, I finally got another positive pregnancy test. I was pregnant for the third time. This positive pregnancy test was almost a year in coming (and felt like 10 years coming!) I had just about given up...I spent 2009 visiting quite a few doctors and finding few satisfactory answers. I remember staring at the test in disbelief. I didn't tell Eric right away. Part of me wanted to protect him and his emotions if we lost this pregnancy as well. When you have trouble getting pregnant/staying pregnant, a positive pregnancy test is not something to wildly celebrate, rather it's just a tiny, tiny step in the direction you want to go.


I finally put the positive pregnancy test and a bib that says "I love Daddy" into a Halloween goody bag. Eric opened it on Halloween. I remember it was so startling to have a positive pregnancy test and a ray of hope exactly a year after my darkest day. Even with a positive pregnancy test, last fall was an emotional one. Once you have experienced miscarriages, it's all too real how fragile early pregnancy is. Both of us protected our hearts as best we could. We didn't make any plans, we didn't buy anything for baby. Everyday, I expected the worst so that when the worst didn't happen, it was a good day.







I feel like we have made a full circle on this Halloween. In the midst of the candy and decorations and scary costumes and festivities, I felt a fleeting moment of sadness...a moment of acknowledgement to our losses and the losses of others. My heart goes out to anyone who has experienced pregnancy or infant loss and I hope my blog says to you "hey, you aren't alone". But, on the other side of grief, there is also hope...in my case, in the form of a cuddly little boy/bear and his first Halloween.

Back in the game again

It never fails to amaze me how painful P90X can be!!

This is attempt #538 to get back into some sort of workout routine. And the the key word in that sentence is routine...

WeightWatchers is a bust right now. It's honestly one step too many right now to write down everything I eat PLUS do the shopping to have healthy food in the house. I feel like I'm barely surviving day to day and am lucky to eat something on the run in between work, homework and the demands of an infant.

Also, my milk supply took a serious hit last week. There's no way to pinpoint what caused it because there are so many factors. I was working night shifts and didn't get more than a few hours of sleep a day, I defintely wasn't eating well/enough and not drinking enough water. Plus I was stressed trying to get my assignments turned in. Whatever the cause, it freaked me out a little bit and I was nervous to cut any calories...I think Weight Watchers will sit on the backburner for a few months. It's just so important to me to exclusively breastfeed Emmett, but it's definitely not easy.

I think that I will feel pretty good about myself if I can workout once per day even if I don't worry too much about diet right now (and make sure to eat tons of calories). I ran 3 miles yesterday with Eric and felt pretty good. My body still feels like not my own when I run. I feel like I have to concentrate on moving my arms and legs. Plus, there is still some bounce and jiggle I'm not used too (I blame my back pain and knee pain on the extra weight).

Today, I tackled P90x in hopes to get some core muscle strength back and help my running progress. P90x predictably kicked my butt. I'm doing P90X Lean as I doubt my body is physically ready for the traditional version yet. I'm so wobbly. My balance is shot after pregnancy and my core is trashed. I shake all over when I do basic exercises like squats.

Help!

I'm drowning in homework. Trying not to be too much of a dirt bag at work. And Emmett quit sleeping.

Runner, heal thyself

Almost overnight, I can run again! I ran 4 miles the other day with Emmett in his BOB. The weather here was amazing and it was so nice to run around the lake. I averaged 10 mins/mile pushing the stroller...not too shabby.

Thank goodness I did all the walking I did, because when my body was ready, I literally just jumped back into it (4 miles). I was a little stiff the next day but nothing too bad. As it stands, I have only been able to work out about once every three days (juggling work, baby and school). But I don't think that's a bad thing while my body gets back into shape. I think my tailbone is healed although it still bothers me when I work a 12 hour shift. I'm going to see a physical therapist soon for the other damage (which has improved too.) Honestly, I have resigned myself to the fact that I'm not going to get back into shape or run much more than 5 miles before December when I quit my job. Life is just a little crazy.

I have dropped 1 pants size despite eating junk for the past two weeks. Sorry Weight Watchers. I haven't been able to make any of the meetings as my hours are crazy. Also, weird hours = weird food in the middle of the night. Really, am I'm going to eat a salad at 3am? No. I think running around like a crazy person is as effective as counting every morsel of food that goes into my mouth. I'm still hovering about 11 lbs over pre-preg weight. I never thought it would be this tough.

In Baby news, Emmett is a rock star sleeper!!! He slept for 8 1/2 hours straight last night. I love my boy. He continues to be really easy going. He smiles and laughs and screams a lot (joyful screaming). He is holding his head up really well and likes to stand. He sucks at tummy time...oh well, can't have it all.

So far, I have been able to keep up with my little eater's demands. When I worked 12 hours on Sunday, the kid ate 15 ounces with his dad!! That's a lot!! But I pumped 16 ounces at work. So I won...but barely. Pumping is not so fun and sometimes it's hard for me to fit in all the pumps I need to at work. But I have this "thing" about giving Emmett exclusively my milk. I think it helps alleviate the guilt I feel about putting him in daycare. It's like I can "prove" my love to him by pumping or something...haha. Also, there's a sort of challenge to pumping. It's not easy and therefore it's like a competitive thing (with myself) to see if I can do it.

As much as I hate pumping, I love breastfeeding (and never thought I would.) It's super easy, clean, and portable. When I'm home with Emmett, I never have to wash bottles. I never have to worry when I'm out and about with him if I brought enough milk. He doesn't get milk all over his outfits (like he does with the bottle). Oh, did I mention I never have to wash bottles? haha.

Today I'm practicing for my new job

I'm at home today with my little one. I finally got certified in my job and have started my crazy rotating shift schedule. The good news is that I have random days off during the week like today. The downside is I'm working 12 hour shifts starting this weekend (and some night shifts too.) I predict I may lose my mind in the next 3 months...but this is only temporary. Nothing bad will happen in 3 months if we wear dirty clothes and eat french fries everyday.

It's a good thing I'm home today because I have to train to be a stay-at-home mom. I just hope my husband will "hire" me in a few months when I quit my job. I'm not sure I have enough experience though... I wonder if there will be some sort of certification test before I'm hired full time. Maybe I will have to demonstrate how to operate the washer and dryer and dishwasher. I may have to construct a shopping list and execute grocery shopping. The most difficult task will be cooking a meal that was not originally frozen. You may laugh, but I'm TERRIBLE at all the above tasks. Eric and I joke that we both suspect the "wrong person" is quitting their job to stay with Emmett. Eric excells at household tasks while I'm a miserable failure.

Baby news: Emmett is a rock star at daycare. I'm secretly pleased that everyone at daycare loves him and thinks he's cute. Maybe his teachers will give him a few extra cuddles. We had a minor bump in the road this week. Emmett got a cold from his first week in daycare. The cold wouldn't have been a big deal except then he went on bottle strike because he didn't feel very well. I let Dad fight that one out....Dad finally won, thank goodness.

Big news: I fit into my pre-pregnany jeans for the first time!!!
Bad news: The jeans appear to be painted on me and definitely accentuate my muffin top. I will need to chose strategic tops to wear with the jeans.

Ok, Ok...I take it back

Metro community college.....I apologize that I ever laughed in your general direction or made fun of any community college at any time...ever. You are kicking my arse. I have been doing homework for 12 straight hours today. I believe that is more than I ever studied in either my undergrad or for my masters (except for that one time when I wrote a 20 page paper in one day).

For Christmas, I would like a Metropolitan Community College T-shirt. Respect.

I would also like to pass on some general advice to anyone that cares. Working full time + taking classes + caring for an infant + pumping in off time to feed said infant is a little ambitious. To accomplish this feat, I have made several sacrifices. 1) I have given up working out 2) I have given up Weight Watchers (for this week) and have lived almost entirely on french fries 3) I have given up cleaning the house and 4) I have given up sleep.

Day 2 of Weight Watchers

Day 1 of Weight Watchers was a total bust...oops. Who knew that a personal pan cheese pizza from Pizza Hut was 17 pts? No wonder I have been gaining weight! I even get an extra 10 pts a day for breastfeeding and I still busted!

So, on to Day 2 of Weight Watchers. My usual Peanut butter and jelly sandwich added up to 10 pts but it's early and I can curb my dinner a little bit.

I'm really excited to do this program. I went to my first meeting yesterday. My sis previously loaned me Season 5 of Sex and the City for inspiration. Miranda has just had her baby and goes to Weight Watchers. I was slightly disappointed in the episode because all she does is pick up a guy, eat Krispy Kream donuts and have sex for activity points. I was at least expecting some sort of follow up to tell viewers if she made her points for the day.

Although I love the idea of going to a meeting once a week to weigh in, the discussions are a little creepy. People go on and on about whatever dessert or bad thing they ate that week. When someone brings up cheesecake, the group is required to collectively moan at the thought of it. Moaning aside, the meetings are great in offering substitution ideas. For instance, I can probably switch my bread and peanut butter and cut quite a few calories/points from my peanut butter and jelly.

I have 20 lbs to lose (yes, if you followed my blog I managed to gain 4 lbs in the last few weeks.) I hope to do it over 4-5 months. It's definitely hard balancing the breastfeeding and weight loss as I have to be really careful not to affect my supply. So, slow and steady wins the race.

Big news!!! I walked 4 miles today and managed to run a few steps continuously for the first time!!! No, this is not a return to running. I literally ran about 10 seconds. But, it's certainly an improvement. My tailbone was sore and felt wierd but nothing hurt "too badly".